Help! My Child Won't Talk

If you don’t have time to read the whole blog: Some kids “Won’t Talk” for NO reason. Well, there are reasons, but when it’s not one of the big reasons that come with a diagnosis that can give a certain sense of closure, it can leave parent’s worried and as frustrated and anxious as their late talker. Anxiety, perfectionism, lack of language building skills, and general frustration (and giving up) can play a role in why some children just “won’t talk.”

Your Toddler Won’t Talk for no reason? Here are some reasons your child doesn’t talk that are harder to see, but just as real.

Wait and See can mean Wait and Worry

Your child understands things… but they aren’t talking. They might even communicate beautifully using facial expressions and the gestures of a professional charade’s player. But something about using words, or more than the bare minimum of words is holding them back. But what is it? Is it something we said? Before you get on the mom guilt train (do you go there too?) check out some of the reasons why you are asking the internet "Why my child won't talk."

Some children are afraid to use words

Oh, anxiety. Some children are legitimately anxious of communication, especially when words are expected. Someone asking them a question can cause an automatic shut down response. Your child might prefer to go thirsty than to have to ask a stranger (or even you!) for a drink. It can be scary for a parent to know that their child may not advocate for even their most basic needs, because they appear to be afraid to talk. If this communication related anxiety is significant enough, your mental health professional may consider a diagnosis of selective mutism. You can learn more about selective mutism at the selective mutism association’s website where they have great resources for parents. Another favorite of mine is Home (smhelp.org)’s free support groups for parents of children with selective mutism or suspected selective mutism. Stay tuned for some quick tips on how to help in the Action Item paragraph at the end!

Some children like things to be Perfect

But when you are learning to talk, you are going to make mistakes! So, for children that really like to succeed the first time they try something new, they may stop using words and sounds and go with something that gives them more instant success (like being a professional charades player!). I’ve seen this with even young toddlers. If they can’t sound like mom and dad when they open their mouth, they are going to wait. The tricky part is you can’t get good doing something without giving it a try. Kind of a communication catch 22! Interestingly, some of the children that I have worked with that show a significant amount of perfectionism have gone on to receive OCD diagnoses.

Some children don’t have the skills that come before words

You have to build a house from the ground up and communication skills have an order for most language learners. Did you know that children can have a specific delay or disorder in social language (and not related to autism spectrum disorder?) Social language skills, play, attention, sequencing and other “cognitive linguistic” skills are prerequisites to getting good with words. Some children can pick up labeling really well without the other skills, but they need support to make the jump to putting words together. There’s some research to suggest that a child purposefully plays with two toys together before they put two words together to get a bigger meaning (like “daddy cookie” can mean “daddy’s cookie,” “daddy gave me a cookie” or “daddy ate my cookie!”). When you work on words, but a child doesn’t have the other skills yet, the progress can be slow in coming and your child can get frustrated.

Some children find words SO FRUSTRATING!!!

Your child is frustrated when they aren’t understood and it’s like they expect you to read their minds. You probably guess a lot. You don’t know what they are trying to say or if you do, it’s because of your awesome bond, not because they used words that you could understand. I’ll admit, this is one of my favorite groups of children (and parents) to work with because it can be so satisfying when you untangle the frustration connected to a child’s communication and get the words flowing, but it can be pretty hard on parents. The frustration almost becomes an automatic response (kind of like a child that shuts down because of anxiety or perfectionism) that you have to work around first, before words will come.

So…What can I do to help my child want to talk?

• Realize that they may want to talk underneath all those emotions, but they may need confidence, calm, and other skills first.
• Work with a speech language pathologist that counsels and equips you to work with your whole child, encourages your child gently, and helps you build a positive communication environment for your child’s specific needs.
• Maintain connection with your child as your priority over communication through words. Those words will come and your relationship with your child will help you get there, together.
• Check out the This Course. I made it with children that won’t talk in mind and if you sign up for the waitlist, you will be the first to know when a new community of parents is going through it live with a speech language pathologist.

Check out the course for supporting Late Talkers here!

Join the free support group Speech Therapy at Home Community and find a buddy that’s supporting a late talker too.

In Indiana? Need a speech language pathologist that equips and supports families of late talkers as her favorite thing? Check Ms. Amanda out at www.illuminatecommunicate.com

This blog post does not constitute medical advice. It’s always the recommendation of Illuminate Communicate, LLC and its writers to seek out a licensed speech & language professional if you have concerns about your child’s speech and language development. A speech language pathologist has specific training and experience working with speech and language, that even your pediatrician may not have. You can find a Speech Language Pathologist in your state by searching ASHA’s PROFIND, contacting your local school, or early intervention program for your family’s best fit.